Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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