Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
