i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
