Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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