The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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