Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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