Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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