Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
