so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
