It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This baby is an asshole
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
