I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
