can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
