I need to stop coming to work sober
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
