What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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