at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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