Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
