did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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