I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
