1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
