I just threw up on my dentist
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
two words: eviction party
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Someone signed my nipple.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
