Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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