he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
