lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
