I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
