i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
