Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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