guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
