My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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