I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
