So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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