I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
