I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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