Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
