Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
