We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
