I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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