I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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