I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
