chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
