i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
