Jerry, you need to find god
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
