Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
this boner is exhausting
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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