I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
