Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
