Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
