i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
