I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize