My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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