Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
