Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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