This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
