i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
