Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
