nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I can text with my tongue
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
