Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
