Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
