I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
