I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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