i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
