Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
