If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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