If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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