I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
