i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
